Kid Off The Derech · Home › Coffeeroom › Family Matters › Kid Off The Derech .. Breaking up with the girl I was dating was incredibly tough. Going back to .. They both are abhorrent, unpleasant, and very distasteful company. They THINK . Off the Derech: A place for formerly Frum Jews to socialize While some of us have left the fold entirely, and have no qualms about dating outside the religion. “Derech” means “path” in Hebrew, and “off the derech,” or O.T.D. for short, . that could make a person less attractive in later marital matchmaking. By the time of her memorial service, he had been O.T.D. for several years.
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Can I only dearth off the derech dating site in additions?. He and his wife grew up in a similar cultural and familial milieu, both of them from large, extremist Jerusalem families. In three months, Blimi has reached third-grade level in math and English. If I saw some hit dome one for that reason , personally?
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When a person gets married, he needs charity, food distribution, synagogues. He needs a society. You stay by force of inertia. Their children will be thrown out of school — and who has the energy to look for a new one? I envisioned my children entering the system, becoming part of the fanaticism, having to raise a large family without any way to make a living.
To marry off their children they start scrounging for money and sink into endless debt. It was a gamble. Would she take the children and leave?
Or would she sympathize and join him? He and his wife grew up in a similar cultural and familial milieu, both of them from large, extremist Jerusalem families. Yisrael, as mentioned, is the second of 13 children; Rachel is the eighth of But, what did he know about her? They became engaged after a meeting of half an hour when she was 17 and he almost Within a year they were parents.
He was preoccupied with business and other matters, she worked and looked after the home. They only engaged in small talk. He was cut off from the family. There was no communication between us. She had her reward-punishment, heaven-hell Judaism. It was all built on fear.
I saw that she had not the slightest doubt. I felt that it would be on my shoulders if I told her that there is no God, and she ended up following me only because she respected me. A first date in 13 years. But it turned out that she is very sharp.
The moment she understands, she draws conclusions much faster than I do. Questions of choice, love, partnership and freedom of expression came up for discussion at the kitchen table. I even proposed again. The children would remain in their institutions of learning, at least for the rest of the school year.
But in the end they were forced to leave before then. Not hiding what we really are. The result was that the children started to speak freely in school. My daughter told a girlfriend that she wanted a dog. I understand them, they are afraid. Heller knew he had to remove them from their schools before they were hurt. But they are not alone. A thin but steady trickle of families has been leaving the Haredi world lately, including some from the most closed circles. Or when two sons from a respected family of the extreme Toldot Aharon sect left with their families to pursue a secular way of life.
In contrast, the ability of older entrepreneurs to establish themselves economically helps them disconnect more easily. If she can be persuaded to live in a new reality, the road is already paved. What is she going to tell them — that she getting a divorce and they are going to have to take responsibility for her and the children? And what will happen to her? Who will want to marry her? Not everyone is affiliated with one of the organizations that assist such individuals.
According to one such NGO, Out for Change, drawing on data of the Central Bureau of Statistics, some 1, persons up to the age of 25 leave the community each year, and the figures decline as age rises. Moreover, the difficulty in finding data is also due in part to the way people are leaving today: In contrast to the past, not everyone who leaves the Haredi world today classifies himself or herself as secular per se.
Instead of sharply severing ties and rejecting ultra-Orthodox culture, the transition may be less drastic or dramatic now. As with the Heller family, many of those who leave make do, at least in the first stage, with simply departing physically, freeing themselves from the constraints of their former, closed communities and situating themselves between the two worlds.
A hotline for the lost The wave of people leaving Haredi society has brought about the emergence of a new organization that offers support to those who do not identify with secularism even if they are total nonbelievers. Not surprisingly, it was Heller who came up with the catchy name: The group, which is also meant to provide help not just to individuals but to families, was founded by Meir Naor, a tireless man of 36 and a former member of the Belz Hasidic sect.
Even though he is no longer the director, he remains a magnet for those in need of professional and emotional support. The NGO receives hundreds of calls a month and is currently assisting about 50 families who are in various stages of leaving the ultra-Orthodox world. When he left, more than a decade ago, things were different. We recruited volunteers and provided urgently needed accommodations, emotional support and employment. When the situation calmed down, I tried to get a handle on the reasons for the distress.
One thing that stood out was that an overwhelming majority — 85 percent, according to a study by Out for Change a group that works for the rights of people leaving ultra-Orthodoxy — are people who are on a continuum of movement of identity change and do not define themselves as secular. We are a group of people who ask every morning what we believe in and what we do not believe in. We do not live between the worlds but try out both. Nor can he say whether they will one day constitute a critical mass in an election, for example.
He paints an optimistic picture that not everyone will accept, when he says that the creation of Uvacharta has profoundly changed ultra-Orthodox society.
Every small change of dress, for example, was labeled a deviation. Pini, age 6, though, is in kindergarten, even if he should really be in the first grade. They have to acquire Hebrew as if they were new immigrants, and to learn basic skills in arithmetic and English, as well as general knowledge and learning skills. But for some reason, these children are invisible as far as the municipality is concerned.
Last July, Heller had to beg the director of the Beit Shemesh primary schools department, Uri Ben Hamo, before the latter referred him to a few local state-religious schools; there, the principals shooed him away. Since September, the parents have been home-schooling the two older children and paying for private tutors in arithmetic and English, as well as for textbooks. Heller supervises the studies and teaches the children Hebrew.
They are making good progress, their mother says: In three months, Blimi has reached third-grade level in math and English. She started from zero. In the closed Haredi communities — in contrast to the Beit Yaakov network associated with the independent education system — girls are taught core subjects only in the most rudimentary fashion. In conversation she gets stuck frequently and asks her mother for words.
Cheli, for her part, is learning English and improving her Hebrew. One day she hopes to study at the academic level herself. The children are sociable and open, and long for friends.
Moish was happy to leave the heder, where he was hit regularly with a rod. After being thrashed, he relates, he would be upset: A boy who is beaten sits with his head on the table between his hands.
How was her bat mitzvah? Initially, after they left, she did call her friends, but she constantly had the feeling that they were evading her. Their behavior hurt, but Moish suffered more, she says. He was attacked by friends from school when he showed up in the neighborhood dressed differently from the others. Among the girls whom the parents did invite to her bat-mitzvah party were a few Yiddish-speakers from families who had made a similar transition.
One is two years younger than Blimi. They are pure joy. I ask them what they like to eat, to make suggestions. She will soon start a job in Tel Aviv. She is growing her hair out; like all married women in zealous Haredi circles, her head had been shaved beneath the wig. It is indeed lovely and glossy. One day the family even went to the beach in Tel Aviv. Our photos leaders all male had scheduled to a exultant public of what stylish, or tznius, now.
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